Don't wait too long! And Be Careful!

Base: Cafe Coming Out Forum
Re: Cant wait to go! (part two) (Unknown)
Date: Thu, 04 Apr 1996 03:56:49 GMT
From: Unknown (ManiacJohn)

I'm 31. I've known I am gay since I was 12. This was the age of my first
sexual encounter with another boy. He was 11 and my best friend. My time
with him was the happiest of my life, so far. He turned out to not be gay.
And at age 14 he decided that we shouldn't see each other anymore. I was
frustrated, devastated, and found myself all of a sudden alone. I had no
one else who knew I was gay. My father was a Baptist minister, so I
certainly couldn't tell my parents. Which led me to the conclusion I was
an evil person, and what I had done was wrong. I had to pray real hard for
God to change me into a straight person, or I was going to hell. This
eventually led me to attempt suicide at age 17. My parents were away from
home. I got drunk, took a friends .38. Pulled the hammer back, and
shakingly held it out in front of my face and pulled the trigger. The
gun went off, and I missed. The bullet lodged in the window frame
behind me while the hot burning powder pricked across my face. All I could
do was cry until I passed out on the floor. The next month I got my first
computer. And with it a modem and a CompUserve account. This gave me
access to the chat areas where I started chatting with other gay men.
I discovered cybersex, and phonesex. A year later I decided to meet
a guy, 25, I had been hot and heavy with on Cserve. We met on a Saturday at
Daytona Beach. We spent some time talking, and he took me to dinner.
I was 18 and old enough (legal age) to drink (or so I thought). I got
drunk. We went back to his place where he proceeded to put on a X-rated
video. After a few minutes he started to fondle me, from there things
started to get out of hand. Next thing I know he's raping me with me
pleading for him to stop and get off me. It was a very painful experience
not only physically, but emotionally. This was my first gay contact since
I was 14. And it was horrible. It re-enforced my belief that I was evil
and that was my punishment. I dropped my Cserve account and started
becoming really involved in church again. Trying really hard to be straight.
Have straight thoughts. I made friends with this one guy who seemed really nice.
He went to the same church I did, and noticed I was very down emotionally
alot. I finally opened up to him and told him I was gay. He said it was just
a phase and that I would grow out of it. Eventually he told me that we shouldn't
hang around each other anymore. That's when I realized that I was gay, and nothing
was going to make me straight. For the next 8 years I suffered depression, and
dramatic mood swings. I went from 190 to 260 pounds. I just had a
miserable time, because I wouldn't allow myself to be me. I wouldn't trust
anyone else to know I was gay. When I was 26 I got a new computer. And with it
a new modem and a GEnie account. I started chatting again, this time I was
more careful. Eventually I got to know some of the regulars, and arranged
a meeting with one of them. Again on a Saturday, this time on neutral ground.
And no consuming mass quantities. This turned out to be a positive experience.
He was very friendly and outgoing. I had told him the story I just related here.
We had lunch, and spent the afternoon talking about the gay things gay friends
discuss with each other. I had my Cell phone with me (mistake). I got a call
from a straight friend at home. He wanted to know if I was going to the movies
with everyone. I told him I was in Orlando. It was out of my mouth
before I could stop it. Why are you there? Uh oh. What do I do? Lie. Lie. Lie.
I went chicken told Scott I had to go home and couldn't go out with him
that evening. He was disappointed. I'll never forget the look on his face.
This look of dis-belief and bewilderment. My Saturday went from a High
to low. I denied myself again! In 1992 my dad died and I lost my chance for me and my dad
to get to know each other as I really am. For the next 2 years I've been
mourning everything I've lost because I wouldn't accept myself for who I am.
In 1994, I decided to put all my affairs in order and finally end my life
for good. I had it all planned. The only debt I would leave behind was my
car. I was ready to die. I felt I had wasted my whole life and that turing 30
was the end. I had quit my job, and decided to hold out through christmas, so
my family wouldn't always remember the Holidays as the day I committed suicide.
I decided on Febraury 95 would be the time. And then it happened. My boss pleaded
with me to come back to work. At the same time I found out a friend I had known
and worked with for years was gay. My life turned around. I started reading
other peoples experiences, and reading more about the biblical dogmas
that are erroneously interpreted as anti-gay. And realized God made me
gay for a purpose. I want to find out what that is and I'm excited. I'm gay
and it's okay! I've just started the process of coming out. I'm making plans
and setting goals. I realize it isn't an instant process, so I'm taking small
steps to start with. Writing this tome is one of the steps.

My advice to anyone who wants to listen is don't wait too long!
Being gay is not evil. I have found no biblical basis that being gay is evil.
So religion is no excuse. As far as family goes, they are family.
When you come out to your family go in prepared. Find a local support
group for yourself and your parents. PFLAG is an organization that can give you
more information. Search them OUT! 

1. Gay and Christian - a contradiction? (Unknown)

1. I don't think Christianity and Homosexuality are contradictory (Unknown)

2. Gay and Religion - a contradiction? Yes. (Unknown)

1. I'm sorry, but I still think that homosexuality and Christianity are compatible (Unknown)

...

3. Christianity and homosexuality are compatible! (Unknown)

1. I sure hope is not too late before you realize the joke is on you. (Unknown)

...

4. Whatever - we'll see who the joke is on when we're dead (Unknown)

5. The joke is on you (Unknown)