Coming Out Starts from the Inside

Coming Out Starts from the Inside

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Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 16:45:16 GMT
From: Unknown (fdgsicle)

Being queer and the realization of such at a very young age, I felt very isolated. All the messages I received from my family and peer group were negative ones. Coming from a very religious family complicated the issue even more - I was told repeatedly that if one lays with another man, than he is an abomination and would truly burn in hell. As a result of this kind of programming I buried my true self someplace so deep inside, that on a conscious level, I know longer felt that I was queer. It just couldn't be - the feelings of guilt and shame were to overwhelming. I became sexually active very early in life, with both boys and girls - I intellectualized that all people went through this. As a teenager, I had sexual encounters with other so called straight men, while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. When these experiences culminated, there was no talking, or acknowledgement of what took place. I got married and managed to have a very happy and full marriage for about 10 years, when the spectre of sexuality began to appear yet once more. I began hanging out with a queer cousin, who had come out while in the marines...intellectualizing that I was just cool - this in no way implied that I was gay - I was just accepting of other lifestyles - after all if I hung out in straight bars, I would run the risk of having an affair with a female. HaHaHa --- I went through all kinds of bargaining, minimizing, and denial to keep from addressing my queerness. I even developed a nasty addiction to cocaine and alcohol to medicate my feelings. My marriage eventually ended as I knew that inside I was gay - disclosed to my wife - because I really did love her and I didn't want to deceive her - she deserved more than that. We actually attempted a go at it for about a year, before we divorced. I came out or so I thought - but the reality is that I came out of the closet and only made it as far as the bedroom. I didn't do the work inside to develop self acceptance. I ended up in a great treatment center, Pride Institute, which is totally run and operated by recovering gays and lesbians - it was at this place that the seeds of self acceptance were planted - it was here that I learned that god made me gay - it was here that I began to address my internal homophobia. Five years later, I remain sober....I first came out to myself, developing positive feelings about who I am as well as learning to love me. I then came out to my daughter, my family and friends. It has been difficult at times, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Coming out for me has empowered me to be who I am without fear of rejection, or any lack of support from those that truly love and care for me. I could not have done it without professional help and it is this that I urge the most....get a good therapist to help you through the coming out process - coming out is something that anyone shouldn't have to do alone.

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